Monday, May 10, 2010

Guidelines For The Summer Moviegoer

[WARNING] This article contains strong language

Well, the Summer movie season has kicked off and this is when most people flock to the theaters to see the big studio blockbusters that have been in the works the past 2 years. June will mark my 5th anniversary working at a movie theatre. Over the years I’ve met thousands of strangers who’ve I’ve interacted with for a few seconds each. Some of them memorable in a good way, but most of them memorable in a bad way.

I’d like to help you prevent yourself from becoming “Moviegoer Douchebag Extraordinaire”. My hatred towards people have mostly stemmed from seeing how people act in the movie theatre. So, by following these guidelines you won’t be lumped into the sum of hundreds of thousands of asses that see movies every day.

Box Office:

1. Know what you want to see. It’s a huge bother to have a person holding up a line staring at the movies not knowing what they want to see. Plan ahead, make a choice. Know your movie and time please.

2. Don’t ask us our opinion of the movie you’re about to see. It’s annoying. I’m flattered that you want to know what I think of your poor taste in film is, but you shouldn’t base your movie choice off of what a theater box office cashier says. We have synopses sheets, and we’re happy to let you read them.

3. Using a student ID? Want senior tickets? Need child tickets? SAY SO!! Don’t say “2 for Iron Man 2” and then go “Oh wait, I have my student ID” after I ring your tickets up. People who do that are asses, cause it’s a fucking pain to void your tickets out, reprint them and hand you your dollar back in price difference. Especially when it’s busy. Know what you want, not all tickets are the same!

4. If you just say “two tickets” I’ll give you two to whatever shitty Brenden Fraser movie is playing to teach you a lesson about specificity.

5. Don’t be a sarcastic fucker. “That’ll be $21”. “For 2 tickets? You want my nut sack too?” (Yes, someone actually said that to me). Movies are expensive, get the fuck used to it. Go vent about it to someone else, anyone besides the person selling you tickets behind the glass. We don’t want to hear your jokes or your wise-ass remarks.

Ticket Taker:

1. Don’t give me your receipt. I’ll take that receipt and shove it down your fucking throat. Know the difference between a ticket and a receipt. I know, they’re printed on the same kind of paper. I’m sorry if that confuses you. If enough people complain I’ll start teaching a class for idiots who can’t tell the difference.

2. That tiny hole where we put our half of ticket stubs in is not trash. Don’t stick your trash in that hole or I’ll punch you in the eye.

3. We aren’t hiding the bathrooms from you. Don’t ask where it is. Just look. Just fucking look. It’s one big room. A theatre lobby is not a college campus. It’s quite easy to navigate. Maps are available upon request.

Concession Stand:

1. Don’t you fucking dare ask for fresh popcorn. We pop it fresh all the time. You get what you get. Tough shit. It’s popcorn. “Oh, can I get the popcorn coming out right now?” NO! YOU MAY NOT! Why are you so special that you need popcorn straight from the kettle to your bag? Are you sultan of the corn? Do you belong to the Fresh Popcorn Society? No? So take your fucking popcorn. Butter the shit out of it. And go die from cardiac arrest. It’ll be room temperature by the time you sit down anyway!

2. “Do you have [Insert Candy Name Here]?” “Is it in the display case in front of you?” “No.” “Then no.”

3. Want a refill? Back of the line. Just because you already bought popcorn and soda doesn’t entitle you to a “Skip The Line” pass.

4. “Is this register open?” “Is there anyone standing there?” “No.” “Then no.”

5. FORM SEPARATE LINES! Dealing with people waiting for food is like herding cattle. They’re so stupid. No matter how many times I say “form separate lines” they just huddle back into one huge blob.

6. We’re not a bank. Don’t buy 1 candy and pay for it with a $100. Now I have to hold the line and go get fucking change for your huge ass bill.

7. The signs right above my register are the same all the way down at the end. You won’t find some secret menu item by walking down there, I promise.

8. Again, no wise-ass remarks about the prices. I’ll spit on your food if you do.

9. If you toss your money at me then I’m tossing your change back. Hand it to me like a civilized person.

10. If you hand me a crumpled up wad of dollar bills and expect me to de-crumple it you are shit out of luck. Get a fucking wallet. Or fold your money, like normal people.

11. We’re not psychics. Maybe one day they’ll include mind reading in our training, but not yet. If we can't guess what movie you want to see what makes you think we can guess what soda you want? “Yeah can I get a soda?”. That doesn’t help me. If you say that I’ll just pick a size and soda for you. If you don’t like it then you can take it up with my ass.

In The Theatre:

1. Don’t put your feet up. Especially if there is someone sitting in the row below you and one over. No one likes feet resting next to their head while watching a movie. It’s fucking disrespectful. Also, to the people who take their shoes off and put their feet up. What the fuck?! Where do you think you are? People’s heads rest there you know? So it would be nice not to grind your sweaty ass summer feet into those headrests. I also hate sitting in a seat to find the reclining spring is broken because some jerk broke it by resting his feet on the headrest. Also, just FYI I’ve worked in a theatre for 5 years and have never ever seen a seat been cleaned. Let that sink in.

2. Don’t talk. It’s a simple rule, but people always do. It’s so fucking annoying. Just watch the fucking movie. If it’s boring then leave. Whispering doesn’t help, it just makes you a quieter asshole. Also, don’t act all tough and offended if someone tells you to quiet down when you were clearly talking. It just makes you a bigger asshole that’s about to be kicked out.

3. Texting is just as annoying as a ringing phone. That’s why I sit as close to the screen as I comfortably can. I hate seeing little glowing lights pop up in my field of view. If you text I’ll take your phone and shove it in your ear till it breaks.

4. Get a babysitter. It’s Friday night, I’m seeing this awesome movie I’ve been looking forward to for months and now I have a squirming squeaking child somewhere in the theater. If you wanted to see movies in theaters you should of thought twice before getting knocked up. If you bring your child into a movie while I'm watching it there may be a case of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

5. Don’t have sex, cause we will see you. If you’re ever alone in a theatre please don’t take the opportunity, because like I said you’re not alone. If you do choose to have sex then you could at least be nice and wave at all the people watching from the projection booth. This is how it works. We see you having sex, we call on the radio for everyone to come watch. Now everyone is watching you having sex, getting a handjob, blowjob, etc. It is funny for us, but in reality pretty nasty because you’re in a movie theatre.

6. A 16-year old boy seeing Hannah Montana is a red flag. If you’re trying to sneak into an R-rated movie at least be creative and make it fun for us. There is nothing we love more than kicking people out. Especially kids sneaking in. You will get caught, but at least make it fun for us.

7. Pick up your trash. Plain and simple. I understand you will drop food and popcorn. Don’t worry about it. We’ll get that. But people who leave their cups and bags right on their seats are an example of how terrible our society is.


Don’t be a cold hearted jerk. Movie theater employees are the hardest working, lowest payed people in retail. I can’t tell you how many times while working till 1am on a Saturday night I was so happy to have someone be polite and respectful to me in the midst of dealing with hundreds of selfish assholes. There’s a huge difference between “Yeah, I want a large popcorn and Coke” and “Could I get a large popcorn and Coke please?”. And actually saying “thank you” versus tossing your cash at me and walking away. So, think for a second and don’t be a mother fucking douchebag! Mkay? Thanks! Bye!